HR Interview with a Terrorist Organisation

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself
Candidate: I am doing mechanical engineering from the country’s most prestigious institute. I have no interest in academics, and my poor cgpa bears testimony to that. My poor attendance record shows that while my other batchmates were wasting their time inside classrooms listening to boring lectures, I was busy planting crackers in toilets and in headmaster’s office. I am intolerant towards others’ opinions and have a destructive mindset. While all my classmates went into sectors such as core, finance and consultancy, I had always been unsure about my field of interest. Until, of course, I came to know of this opening. I think I am a perfect fit for this line of career.

Interviewer: Can you give some examples to explain your personality traits?
Candidate: There are many. The other day, during a discussion, when I said that Mughlai Kabaab is the most delicious dish and one of friends disagreed with that, I was taken over by so much rage that I pounced upon him and kept thrashing him with my hockey stick until he fell in line with my opinion. I am a bigot and get infuriated when someone disagrees with my opinions. I am an efficient leader and have lead huge mobs to boycott classes until various demands were not met.

Interviewer: What are your skill sets that may be of use to our organisation?
Candidate: From what I’ve read in the news, your organisation is at the forefront of a technological boom. You have the nuclear technology and are looking to use it for making nuclear bombs. You’re always looking for methods to breach the security. I think I can apply my technological skills to these areas. Also, any operation requires a lot of planning and strategic thinking, and people at my college are famous for having superior analytical skills. As listed in my extra-curricular activities, I have participated in a number of brawls and have even been suspended from college after being repeatedly caught for cheating. I am a daring and a confident person. My skill sets would bring a lot of value to the organisation.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work for us?
Candidate: Working with your organisation entails everything that my dream job consists of. There is a lot of prestige associated with working for your organisation – both inside and outside the workplace. People address you as Bhai respectfully inside the organisation, and anywhere outside the very mention of being associated with such an organisation would command tremendous fear.
At your organisation, one gets to work in various places around the globe – from the advanced countries in America and Europe to the lovely mountains in Kandahar and Pakistan. Unlike most other companies that require you to wear uncomfortable formal clothing everyday, one gets to wear a variety of clothing – from tatty clothing during military training to smart clothing during a recce - at your organisation. Because of having to use multiple identities, one gets to experiment a lot with one’s looks – from a completely tonsured and shaven look, to a funky spikes and a goatee, to sporting a wig and a beard. One gets to meet a number of people as well.Huge sums of money obtained from operations such as selling illegal drugs and extortion from film producers and politicians ensures a lavish standard of living.
In all, I like the the work-life balance at your organisation.

Interviewer: Do you realise that there is a perpetual bond with the organisation and that the working conditions are tough?
Candidate: Yes, I know that one can only leave the world forever, but can never leave this organisation. Also, I am aware of the fact that terms such as getting "fired" and a "deadline" are taken literally. And, during this time of recession, companies are already delaying offer letters, making employees sign four-year long bonds, cutting employee strength and what not. Working at any company these days is stressful and there are few people who are actually happy with their job. Companies these days are making their employees work for twelve hours a day, six days a week and sometimes night shifts too. I don’t mind working at erratic work timings or the stringent criterion at work at your organisation because I’d enjoy whatever I do.

Interviewer: Doesn’t the negative public image about the organisation bother you?
Candidate: Not at all. Every government and every major corporation these days indulges in foul play. They swindle people of their hard-earned money and hardly bother about people’s lives. It’s all a matter of image projection through the credulous media. I admire the fact that your organisation is against creating false perceptions among people.

Interviewer: You’ve no prior knowledge about our religious beliefs.
Candidate: That’s my forte. I have managed to pass a lot of courses by rote learning at the eleventh hour before the exam. From the weirdest of topics such as bioprocess technology to linear algebra, I have been able to cram them all at short notice. I will certainly be able to learn the various abstruse religious texts by heart.

Interviewer: Is there anything that you’d like the ask us?
Candidate: I have been eager to know if the company allows flexibility in terms of switching between back-office work of designing strategies for attacks and on-the-field missions such as blowing up state properties or hijacking airplanes?

Interviewer: Sure. Congratulations, you’re now one of us.

(This blog post was a consequence of the discussion I had with my wingmates last night about the placement scenario)